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Patience

I like to consider myself a patient person. For the record, I am not.

Even desire for healthy outcomes when pursued without patience becomes unhealthy activity. For instance, there is overtraining in an attempt to run farther and faster than my body is ready for. Overtraining comes as a result of a sense of inadequacy and a desire to improve hurriedly. Sheer will and determination can get us through a lot, but stubbornly pushing one’s body farther than it is ready for leads to injury. My still aching left foot is a testament to this fact. Right now it’s not bad enough to stop me from running, but it’s not healed enough to allow me to run as far as I’d like either. An ultramarathoner is certainly not made overnight.

There is impatience with understanding and life itself. The call from deep within my guts to deeply understand my place in this existence is true and undeniable. Frazzled seeking and half-hearted commitment to the truth right before me is no way to deepen any understanding I have.

To live in the Great Way
is neither easy nor difficult,
but those with limited views
are fearful and irresolute;
the faster they hurry, the slower they go,
and clinging cannot be limited;
even to be attached to the idea of enlightenment
is to go astray.
Just let things be in their own way
and there will be neither coming nor going.

Obey the nature of things,
and you will walk freely and undisturbed.
When thought is in bondage, the truth is hidden,
for everything is murky and unclear,
and the burdensome practice of judging
brings annoyance and weariness.
What benefit can be derived from distinctions
and separations?

(From Verses on the Faith Mind by Seng-Ts’An)

The Great Way requires incredible patience and confidence which I often lack. Here I am, currently sore and exhausted, feeling rather beaten down and inadequate. And so what?! Those thoughts and lackluster feelings can go just as easily as they’ve come to me lately.

Alright, here I am now, trying to let all that go…

In the end I run because I enjoy running— I thrive on the invigorating sense of freedom that comes when out there hitting my stride and watching the world go by. Sometimes that sense of wildly pleasurable peace in motion comes at a slow 10-minutes a mile, other times it comes when I’m pushing so hard my breathing is maxed and all I can do is focus on each strained stride. I’m inspired by ultramarathoners who cover remarkable distances in absurd times, yet I’m so far from any of that. What I am now is a guy running along here in the upper midwest on a regular basis trying to be content with steadily challenging myself to keep going.

All this running and the energy it uses up can be rather selfish, but I’m hoping it’s not in the end. I’m looking for myself out there when I run and test my limits. I’m learning about my capacity to endure suffering and am continually grateful for the opportunity to be running around like a happy fool. I’m planning on making this into more of an activity for others in time.

As long as I’m able, I’ll keep running and will turn it into something more than selfishness and impatience. I’m trying to settle into my life with running. I’m not trying to escape. I want to develop the courage to embrace my life as it is, I really do.

Posted in Intentions & Motivations, Running, The Depths.

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chasing Caballo Blanco

From “Born to Run”—

…We had set out in the hills behind Creel, on a rocky, pine-needled trail climbing through the woods. We’d been running for less than ten minutes and already I was dying for air. It’s not that Caballo is so fast; it’s just that he seems so light, as though he wills himself uphill by mind power instead of muscle.

He turned and trotted back down. “Okay, man, lesson one. Get right behind me.” He started to jog, more slowly this time, and I tried to copy everything he did. My arms floated until my hands were rib-high; my stride chopped down to pitty-pat steps; my back straightened so much I could almost hear the vertebrae creaking.

“Don’t fight the trail,” Caballo called back over his shoulder. “Take what it gives you. If you have a choice between one step or two between rocks, take three.” Caballo has spent so many years navigating the trails, he’s even nicknamed the stones beneath his feet: some are ayudantes, the helpers which let you spring forward with power; others are “tricksters,” which look like ayudantes but roll treacherously at takeoff; and some are chingoncitos, little bastards just dying to lay you out.

“Lesson two,” Caballo called. “Think Easy, Light, Smooth, and Fast. You start with easy, because if that’s all you get, that’s not so bad. Then work on light. Make it effortless, like you don’t give a shit how high the hill is or how far you’ve got to go. When you’ve practiced that so long that you forget you’re practicing, you work on making it smooooooth. You won’t have to worry about the last one—you get those three, and you’ll be fast.”

I kept my eyes on Caballo’s sandaled feet, trying to duplicate his odd, sort of tippy-toeing steps. I had my head down so long, I didn’t notice at first that we’d left the forest.

Wow!” I exclaimed. (p. 110-111)

I’ve been working on following Caballo’s lessons since reading the book in January. Now I’m ready for trails that are no longer covered by snow and ice. Maybe I’ll even be able to find some mountains to run up before long. That might be a tough task considering where I live, but we’ve all got personal mountains that need summiting, right? I’m feeling like I can run through more challenges than ever before in my life. It’s not about running away, it’s about running straight through adversity. And life is chock full of adversity just like any good, challenging run. It’s been a long time coming, but running is becoming a truly meditative full-body, mind and spirit practice for me. I don’t mean to overstate its importance, but God’s been out there running with me all winter and I’m going to do all I can to keep up!

Posted in Running, The Depths.

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spring is imminent!

This morning I installed a pull-up bar in the house so that I can grow wings and glide along with ease and joy while running through the trails and open prairies of the upper midwest. Warmer temps are here— lately it’s been getting into the 30s everyday and today it might hit 40. I am incredibly excited about running on the thawed surface of trails again soon. Actually, two days ago when out for a 10-mile run (first double digit mileage since 11/22 when I ran around the lake) some of the mud was beginning to appear on one of the dirt roads I was tearing along on. This was only my second run in my Inov-8 Roclite 295’s and I have to say, they’re quickly becoming my favourite (they’re made in the UK after all) pair of running shoes ever.

The tread on these bad boys is a bit overkill for pavement, but it works and handles every other surface I’ve been on so far with aplomb. Even on packed snow and ice I’ve had excellent traction— too bad I didn’t buy these a couple months ago. The shoe is quite light for a trail shoe (10.4 oz) and does not contain any unnecessary motion control components. The cushioning is more substantial than in my New Balance MT100’s, yet it’s not excessive and the shoes are still rather low-profile. I am continuing to adapt to a midfoot striking running style, so I am glad to have a shoe with decent cushioning since I still have some tenderness in the balls of my feet.

I’m starting to take Neko along with me on more runs too. Nothing too far yet since she’s not quite 7 months old, but last week she did 4 easy miles with me and didn’t show any signs of fatigue or soreness the next day. I probably won’t take her out for more than 5 miles for a few more months, but it’s encouraging to see how much she likes running. She’s less distracted by smells since she’s moving faster and she seems to like the pace of running more than walking slowly along. There’s so much more for her to learn and experience still, having a dog is great fun an adventure.

NOTE: As I was typing the above, Neko was bouncing around behind me chasing the rainbows (from the rainbow maker) that are dancing around the room. I turned around to find that she pissed on the floor in her overexcited state, hence the edit. Come on, puppy!

Back to running…

My first race of the year is probably going to be the Earth Day Half Marathon here in St. Cloud on 4/17. Being this far along in my running already, I think it’s realistic to consider doing two marathons this year. I’m trying to figure out which ones and where. I’d really like to make it up to Fairbanks for the Equinox, but that might not be a good idea since we have a wedding to attend in Texas shortly after that race. I’m also going to be home in June around the time of the Lake Placid marathon, so that might fit into my plans. Otherwise, there’s several in Minnesota and Wisconsin, including some great trail marathons in northern Minnesota. I certainly have many options to consider.

Posted in Intentions & Motivations, Running.

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there will be scotch!

Nothing quite brings about pensive absurdity like a nip of scotch in the evenings. It may not be Tuesday, but tonight, being Wednesday, is Tuesday’s future!

How have I been, you wonder?

Well, I’ve been, most certainly. There were recent doldrums to conquer. Alas, they have come and gone. Now midweek is here and I’m again smacked with gratitude and joy. A new album has made its way into my musical mix-up and it might be the most magnificent album I’ve purchased in awhile— Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros. It’s a trip and a half, being equal parts marching madness and gallivanting good times. The music itself is enough to smash apart any sort of foul mood on most days, I imagine.

Besides new good music, I went for an outstanding run for the first time in five days today. Why the long stretch of not running, you ask? Well, the ball of my left foot has been an achy hunk of worthlessness. I figured it was a bruise that’s resulted from my shortened stride— which itself has come about this winter in an attempt to keep my feet underneath my hips and therefore slip less on icy, cold messes. It’s worked, I haven’t fallen once even since giving up wearing grippies over my shoes. The shortened stride results in more of a mid-foot strike than my usual over-striding heel strike. The mid-foot landing is desired, but my feet are still adapting to the preferable gait. After consulting with my friend Jessica, however, I’ve learned that my foot pain might be the result of stepping on a tiger. I do not remember stepping on a tiger, but such a scenario would be quite traumatic and perhaps I am unconsciously blocking it from my memory?

Today’s run was the first in my new minimalist trail running shoes, the New Balance MT100’s. They’re lighter than a popcorn fart. There’s hardly anything to these shoes, which is great! Just a thin mesh upper connected to some light cushioning and a decent rock plate. The tread seems sufficient, but I’m yet to test the shoes out on trails since there’s still a couple feet of snow on the ground. Today I took them on the partially ice-covered road for a quick 4 mile out and back. My foot did not bother me and I was running faster than I had in a long time without even intending to push myself. I am thoroughly enjoying the added ground feel that comes with such a basic shoe. I know my feet are not strong enough to wear these shoes for a very long run yet, but maybe over time they will be and I won’t need the uber-cushioned trainers anymore. We’ll see.

In other news, I made a vegetarian variation of avgolemono tonight. I’ve never had avgolemono before, which is a Greek soup, but I love soup and my aforementioned friend Jessica sent me a link to a recipe for it today. It sounded good and I made it happen. Traditionally it features chicken, a smooth lemon-chicken-egg broth, and rice or orzo. In lieu of chicken I started with veggie broth and rocked some garbanzo beans and carrots. Instead of rice I used quinoa. It turned out deliciously refreshing and good, but perhaps slightly strong of lemon. I like how the egg mixture succeeded in not curdling and gave the soup a pleasant light-yellowish hue. The only other addition I made was the fresh grinding of some pepper into the individual bowls for a little punch. I think the next time I make it I might cut back on the lemon and make sure I use fresh lemons instead of using the bottled stuff I had on hand. Thank you good people of Greece for a happy little soup that I am now able to make!

Now, get some Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros in you and carry on with the wonder that is your life:

Posted in Music, Running.

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Christianity and elusive sleep

In continuing my journey to understand Christianity on a deeper level than I have before, a lot has happened lately. I went to church for the first time in aeons last Sunday. There’s been progress, inspiration, questions, wrestling, and recently, fitful sleep. Last night, in looking for more resources and a better theological understanding, I explored Mars Hill’s website for some sustenance. Mars Hill is the church of pastor Rob Bell — a pastor who’s teaching I’ve found to be incredibly refreshing and inspiring — and one of my safe places to go for Christian teaching. On the Articles page I found a link to “How Can the Bible Be Authoritative?“, by Church of England bishop N.T. Wright.

Before I started reading, I only had a tangential interest in the topic of biblical authority, but there is a connection I hoped to explore with a topic I’ve been discussing lately with a friend regarding the church’s place in the lives of practitioners. So this article, wow, it was long and heavy and thought-provoking. I stubbornly pushed through and read the whole thing despite my fatigue and inability to make sense of it all. Still, lots of it grabbed me, like the idea that true authority lies in God’s hands and should not be mistakenly attributed to one’s (or one’s group’s) interpretation of scripture— as is often the warped approach of many Christians today. The idea is presented that the bible is not a rule book, but is instead narrative. In this narrative is truth and the living story of God and how God created and has been involved in our lives. Also in the article is the idea that God’s story is still being told and, quite importantly, that the bible is not the whole of God’s teaching and guidance for our lives today.

I am not going to plumb through that exhaustive article and cite the particular pieces where those ideas are presented, instead I’d rather rejoice for now in those ideas and how they reinforce what I think is a very healthy application of Christian faith. I’ve always been nauseated by church groups that grasp so very tightly to their particular interpretations, especially when taken to the simplistic expression of black and white do’s and do-not’s that are supposedly coming directly from God. I appreciate attempts to take the bible seriously and get to its most profound truths, but I doubt that much Old Testament law is unequivocal when isolated from the rest of the Christian story and used to hone in on and condemn small slices of human behavior. I’m befuddled by how selective this approach often is, how, for instance, many groups are ready to enforce to the letter certain teachings in the OT about sexuality, but then will readily partake in the eating of pork or other forbidden foods. Maybe that’s not the best example, but our eating has a huge impact on the world and I like to dine on swine on occasion!

Sexuality is certainly important and I don’t mean to diminish its impact on our lives. I know I’m comparing apples to oranges here…actually I’m comparing screwing to barbecue. Maybe there are good reasons why so-called unclean foods from the OT can be enjoyed in good conscience by Christians today. One more note about the importance of food— look at how the excesses of the cattle, pork, and poultry industry have impacted the environment and even the safety of our food supply with various E. coli outbreaks. Or, to mention an oft-overlooked sin that is more closely related to the sexual/relationship realm, what about divorce and its prevalence in our society even among devout Christians?

Seems to me the bible has to be examined and appreciated through a much larger perspective than merely as a sort of magical book of enforcement when it comes to difficult issues. When examining the whole of Christian teaching, both scriptural and experiential through our very lives in God, then what do we learn about relationships and selfless love? I think when we take such a large perspective and appreciation of God we find things aren’t so black and white as we’d often like them to be. We’re left with little choice but to approach faith and those in our lives with compassion, with patience, and without the false authority of what we think is best for others.

The tremendous Christian story of God and our actual, worldly lives is still being told, we’re active participants in the unfolding of truth here. Are we going to embrace one another as we are now or take a harsher approach and condemn those who don’t live up to some standard that is not really God’s but is instead something rooted in our own fear and selfishness?

I’m not a proponent of anarchy, we certainly need rules and ethical guidelines in this world, but who’s job it is to make the call on what’s right and what’s wrong is rather difficult to determine. I suppose we all have to work together on it somehow, through real dialogue amidst an appreciation of differing points of view. When I look at the current state of politics, even the bickering between religious groups over contentious issues, I see little healthy dialogue and instead am sickened by narrow-mindedness and contempt. I am confident that such a wicked approach to those we disagree with is not God’s way.

This is my struggle and why I’ve had trouble sleeping at night. No easy solutions to any of it. At one point last night I awoke to a dream in which some slightly absurd poetry was rattling around in my head:

Who is God? How is Jesus and the Spirit alive in us today?
       It’s a mystery!
What does this bible, this ancient book of God mean for us now?
       It’s a mystery!
How are we, people of this world, to know right versus wrong?
       It’s a mystery!
Are the answers written once and for all?
       It’s a mystery!

Scooby-Dooby-Doo, Where are you?!?
…….

Not to be flippant, but the Scooby part was really in the dream sequence.

The bible and God’s story for our lives is the greatest mystery novel ever written and it’s not complete. We’re still working out the conclusion. Hopefully it ends well, let’s work together so it does!

Posted in The Depths.

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song lyrics? well, ok!

I find “The Wheel“, by Bill Callahan quite inspirational and uplifting. It goes like this:

The wheel has turned one full circle.
Time for my meal of wood.
To make my home, Lord,
In a stable spoke, Lord,
Inside a turning wheel would be good.
To make my home, Lord,
In a stable spoke, Lord,
Inside a turning wheel bound for good.

A wood bee tries to find purchase
On a turning spoke
From Memphis to Potomac,
Never giving up hope.

I’d die in your jails, Lord,
But you’d die by my laws, Lord.
I think you got it worse.
No rebel I, Lord.
I follow the river
When I’m lost,
When I’m lost.

The wheel has turned one more circle.
The payload is now immense.
So climb aboard all,
Climb aboard.
Because the heavier we get,
The harder we crush.

The wagon rolls like an old millstone
Driving bad deeds six feet deep.

To make my home, Lord,
In a stable spoke, Lord,
Inside a turning wheel would be good.
To make my home, Lord,
In a stable spoke, Lord,
Inside a turning wheel bound for good.

Yep, I too would like to make my home in a stable spoke, Lord, inside a turning wheel bound for good. Maybe I’m already there, maybe we’re all already there, but are too caught up in the particulars of this world to see the rest. Just as it’s hard to see the forest for the trees, I suppose it’s hard to know the spoke for the wheel…if you get my roll.

Posted in Music.

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winter robins

robins plucking crabapples—
so cold, so tart!
ruddy breast feathers,
not quite red; nor frozen
like that elusive fruit
managing an escape,
for now,
to snowy ground below
while those robins
calmly keep to the trees

Sarah and I are not used to living somewhere where the robins stick around through winter. It’s odd to us, because in northern NY and southern NH where we each grew up, the robins flew south in late fall. Not here though, apparently Minnesota robins are a tougher breed and can handle harsh winters. Previously the robins offered signs of spring being right around the corner when seeing them in the latter stages of winter. Here, they instead bolster our fortitude and remind us that cold weather really isn’t all bad.

What will be our new harbinger of spring?

Posted in My Poems, Raw Poems.

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